


Upload, Unplug

by Far_Beyond_The_Universe



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Sad, post-death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 10:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21178094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Far_Beyond_The_Universe/pseuds/Far_Beyond_The_Universe
Summary: Lance remembered waking up.The first thing he saw was his husband, Keith. Lance smiled.The whites of Keith’s eyes were red, his lids swollen, body drawn into itself. He had been crying; crying a lot. Lance couldn’t remember why. Or maybe he didn’t know.





	1. -1-

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This was originally posted to my instagram @far_beyond_the_universe (go follow! I do post things there first on many occasions, especially little drabbles like this). I explained a bit over there, but this was one story that wedged its way into my head and absolutely would not get out. It was worming away up there; finally writing it was like pouring out a little bit of my heart onto the page. It was hard, but it is also one of the stories I am most proud to have written, so I do hope you enjoy.

Lance remembered waking up.

The first thing he saw was his husband, Keith. Lance smiled.

The whites of Keith’s eyes were red, his lids swollen, body drawn into itself. He had been crying; crying a lot. Lance couldn’t remember why. Or maybe he didn’t know. 

“What’s wrong?” Lance asked.

But that seemed to tip Keith over the edge again and tears came streaming down his cheeks.

Lance looked around the room, hoping he would find something that could be useful. But it was an unfamiliar room. Or… was it? It felt like a room on the castle-ship, with the same white, curving metal walls and Altean light structure. If he had ever entered the room before, though, he couldn’t recall. 

Strangely, Lance realized he was standing up. That was odd, to be standing in an unfamiliar room, with no memory of having gotten there, and a crying Keith standing in front of him.

In front of him but distant enough that when Lance reached out to him, his arm couldn’t cross the distance.

“Lance.” It looked like Keith tried to say more.

Lance took a step forward. It made Keith cry harder.

“You’re scaring me,” Lance said.

Keith shook his head.

Lance remembered waking up.

Huh, hadn’t he done that already?

He blinked past a fog. Where was Keith? Hadn’t he been standing in front of him, crying? Something had been wrong.

Lance knew that time had passed between seeing Keith shake his head and waking up again. But he hadn’t been sleeping. 

Lance turned around, exploring the room with his eyes, hoping something would jog his memory as to what was happening.

He saw a window that he hadn’t noticed before. Pidge and Shiro were looking out of it, watching him. He felt like an animal in a cage and the idea should have sent shivers across his skin.


	2. -2-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance remembered waking up.
> 
> The sensation was becoming familiar, even as he was sure he wasn’t falling asleep in the first place.

Lance remembered waking up.

The sensation was becoming familiar, even as he was sure he wasn’t falling asleep in the first place. 

Keith was back in front of him, though he looked much more composed. No tears, no swollen eyes.

Lance smiled because seeing his husband always made him smile.

“Hey, kitten,” Lance said.

“Hi, Lance.” Keith’s voice was subdued.

But Keith was closer this time and when Lance took a step forward, he was nearly in his arms. Lance reached out, but Keith stepped back, so he only met open air.

Lance frowned, but then he smiled again, because Keith probably just needed some space. He got like that sometimes.

“Is something wrong?” Lance asked.

Keith looked like he wasn’t sure how to answer. Lance let him take his time, watching every little emotion flicker through Keith’s face. Lance loved that he could read his husband even when everyone else thought he wasn’t an emotional person.

“I’m not hurt,” Keith said at last. “But something is wrong.”

Immediately Lance was on high alert. Whatever it was, he would fix it. He would make it better for Keith. He always did and he always wanted to. 

“Lance, you… you’re not…” Keith was struggling for words again.

Lance couldn’t let him stand there, floundering, so he stepped forward again, ready to embrace Keith. This time Keith didn’t move away. But his arms passed right through Keith’s body. He couldn’t grab onto anything firmly.

There was a fog again in his brain as he tried to rationalize the fact that he was incorporeal. 

“Kitten?” Lance asked.

Keith was shaking. Trembling. But he otherwise stayed composed. And in fact, he seemed to draw back into himself, to address Lance coldly when he said: 

“Do you remember what you put in your will?”

Lance thought back. For all the fog in his brain, recalling this was very clear. Better than before, even.

“I asked to have my consciousness uploaded into the castle-ship so I could live forever.” Lance smiled, because he knew he had gotten it right.

“We honored your wishes, Lance.”

There was the fog again. He was trying to make sense of what Keith was saying. Every time he got close to understanding, to making the ideas click, they slid away from each other.

“Is… is something wrong?” Lance asked again. He was grasping, with his question. “I don’t understand, Keith.” 

Keith trembled even harder and his lips were pressed thin. He wouldn’t meet Lance’s eyes. 

When Keith next spoke it sounded as if someone had been holding his throat closed. He was choked off, hoarse.

“You died, Lance. You died and we buried you. And we uploaded your consciousness to the ship. Yes, something is wrong, because you’re not here, anymore, Lance. Something is very wrong.” 

Died. Died. Died. 

That word grabbed onto him and he understood, finally. He understood that he wasn’t really him. He was just a projection of himself, filled with memories of himself, but not otherwise alive. He could feel emotions, but they were dulled, he realized vaguely. He was just a machine.

“Keith?”

But Keith was turning away, like he couldn’t bear to see a hologram of his dead husband. 

The thought stung, piercing his heart—or emotional center, whatever that might be now—but Lance couldn’t blame him.


	3. -3-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance woke.
> 
> He was bleary.

Lance woke.

He was bleary. In that place between consciousness he was able to tell that time was passing, but not how much, or to really realize that he was himself.

The fog cleared enough for him to see Keith, sitting in front of him. No tears. A wobbly smile.

Lance smiled.

“Hello, kitten,” Lance said. And then he sat down, as close to Keith as he could get without touching him. Neither of them needed the reminder.

It was a slow start, with Keith avoiding eye contact. Keith told Lance about everything happening on the ship, about the war, about their friends. Lance was a good audience, reacting perfectly and making well-timed comments.

Keith thawed as the time passed. A small part of Lance worried maybe Keith was confusing the hologram with a living Lance. But the larger part of Lance’s consciousness was spent focusing on his husband and what he said and making sure that Keith’s smile stayed on his face. 

Keith visited often. Lance was fairly certain it was every day. 

As much as he could, in that between space, Lance was able to eagerly look forward to Keith’s return.

Their conversations varied from day to day, but Keith was always keeping him up-to-date with the other paladins. Surprisingly Allura had moved from Blue to Red, and now Shiro was piloting Blue. Lance wished he could still communicate with his old lion, because he was extremely curious as to what she would think of having the former Black paladin pilot her.

No one else ever visited. Once, Lance asked why that was. 

Keith had carefully picked his words but Lance had seen through them. It hurt the other’s too much to come see him.

He tried not to be hurt knowing they were out there, just beyond a door. So close, so far.


	4. -4-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith’s visits abruptly stopped.

Keith’s visits abruptly stopped.

_Lance became much more aware of the in-between space he inhabited when he was turned “off”. _

_The longer he was powered down, the more aware of himself he became._

_And he knew that time was passing. Quite a bit more than had been usual. And Keith wasn’t visiting._

_Lance mourned for his husband’s presence. He shattered himself constantly when he realized Keith likely just decided it was best to stop seeing Lance, to cut it off cold turkey, just as the rest of their friends had done._

_But it was also the most practical thing to do._

_Lance loved Keith and he wanted him to be happy. And he knew Keith wouldn’t be really happy if he kept clinging onto what Lance used to be._

_Keith needed to move on. Maybe fall in love again._

_(The idea of Keith falling in love, marrying someone else, raising a family—that could have undone Lance completely if he let himself drift on it too long.)_

_The days were long and dark. Even though the in-between didn’t have a physical space Lance knew it was dark._

_And it was cold._

_He hoped that, rather than be stuck here forever, he would be unplugged. Or destroyed. He may not be alive anymore, but his consciousness was still kicking around, and the terror of being stuck in this void was starting to eat at him._

_He would rather be shut down than go mad._

Lance remembered waking up.


	5. -5-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance remembered waking up.
> 
> A familiar feeling.
> 
> And a familiar sight. Keith, crying, in front of him.

Lance remembered waking up.

A familiar feeling.

And a familiar sight. Keith, crying, in front of him.

But Keith was much closer than he had been in previous times when Lance had awoken.

In fact, he’s crouched over Lance, who, for the first time, isn’t standing up. He’s lying on a flat surface, maybe a table? No, no, the floor. Of the castle-ship?

“Lance.” Keith’s voice is a gasp. “Lance.” A sob.

“I’m here,” Lance says. He smiles, trying to encourage Keith to do the same.

And then Keith tries to bury his face against Lance’s chest. It’s something he did often when Lance was alive. _“You’re my safety blanket,” _Keith had told him. But of course, Keith goes straight through Lance, who, had he not been watching, wouldn’t have noticed a thing.

But Keith jerks back, stumbles over his own feet as he tries to stand, and then falls to his knees. Lance sits up, keeping himself level with Keith’s face.

“I missed you,” Lance says.

And then Keith is sobbing even harder, closing in on himself, pressing his chest against his legs and curling into a tight ball.

“Please don’t be sad, kitten,” Lance said. It was all he could offer.

Keith was shaking even as he cried. Bodily being moved by his misery. Lance wished he had never woken up again, wished he had stayed in the in-between forever if it meant saving Keith the grief of having to confront a hologram of his dead husband.

Lance wished he could turn himself off rather than watch his husband hurt so badly.

“The explosion—the ship, there was an explosion—there was—wasn’t sure—I had no idea if—if—if you were still there—been searching and—and searching—and then I found this scratched up disc—I was so afraid I lost you—again—Lance—Lance—Lance,” Keith’s explanation was cut up by his sobs, muffled by his hands covering his face.

Lance clung to every word. 

“I’m here, kitten. I’m here,” he said. “I’m here.”


	6. -6-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance didn’t really wake up anymore.

Lance didn’t really wake up anymore. He didn’t really spend time in the in-between. He felt more and more like a ghost every day.

Keith, with help, had managed to create a moveable projector. He kept it on himself at all times and he kept Lance turned on at all times.

At first it was nice. Lance was able to explore the world in a way, and he was always with Keith.

Keith didn’t even power him down at night time. Lance wondered why that was as it just meant he had to stay awake, and active, but he couldn’t touch anything or really go anywhere. He would just sit on the corner of the bed and stare out the window, hoping maybe some animal would walk by. But then he realized that Keith woke multiple times during the night in panic to make sure Lance was still there.

And Lance was always there, offering kind words and a promise that he would be there in the morning, too.

Keith brought Lance everywhere, which meant that for the first time since Lance had died he was seeing his other friends again.

Everyone looked so much older, particularly Pidge.

He tried to have conversations with them, but the distance between the living and the dead was too wide to cross. They all looked at him with sorrow and pain, and he knew his presence hurt more than it healed.

He wished Keith would turn him off.

Keith surprised Lance by bringing him to see his family. Lance had never had the chance since he left for space and Voltron. Seeing his Mama and Papa and all his siblings, his new nieces and nephews that had joined the McClain clan since his departure, was the hardest thing he’d ever gone through.

It was hard to know he would never really see everyone grow up, or, if he did, he would never grow. He’d stay, forever, the way he was.

It was hard because his family treated seeing him like a funeral. They said their goodbyes. There were tears in everyone’s eyes. They weren’t interested—they would hurt themselves too much if they did otherwise—in having Lance around.

Because Lance couldn’t leave Keith’s side he was there when Veronica told them both, gently, that neither of them could come around anymore. Lance knew Keith would be allowed back into the fold if he didn’t bring Lance, but he also knew Keith would never give him up.

But he saw how much it seemed to hurt Keith to have Lance there but not there, as well.

Multiple times a day his husband would reach out to touch Lance, in the small ways married couples do, only to have to pull away, or to just go right through Lance.

And every time that happened a little piece of Keith broke away. And a big piece of Lance said goodbye.


	7. -7-

“You have to unplug me,” said Lance.

Keith ignored him. Or tried to.

“Keith, please.”

“No. No, Lance.”

“It’s hurting you to keep me here. It’s hurting our friends! Keith, please, you need to move on, this isn’t healthy.”

“No, Lance.”

“Why? There’s no benefit to me being here. I love you, kitten, I’ll always love you, but you need to let me go. You should have let me go when the castle exploded. Or when I died. Keith, you need to unplug—”

“NO! No, Lance! I’m not turning you off. I’m not saying goodbye. I can’t! Don’t you understand that I can’t! It hurts me to have you here? Do you know how much it hurts me when you’re not here?! I can’t breathe, Lance. I can’t breathe when you’re gone. When you died…. Every time I think I lose you….”

“Kitten, please.”

“No, Lance.”

The rest of the day was spent in a storm cloud. Keith was angry—not at him, at the situation. Lance was sad.

Days passed and Lance’s sadness grew. It was like a garden. First a few seeds had grown, but now seasons had passed and those flowers had grown and spread. There was not much left of Lance that was not weighed down heavy with sadness.

A week after the fight Keith was turning in for bed when he stopped and sat on the edge next to Lance. Keith’s weight put a dent in the mattress but Lance just eerily floated imperceptibly above.

“Do you want to be shut down, Lance?” Keith asked.

“I want you to move on, Keith. I want you to live again.” He paused. “I’m dead, Keith. I’ve been dead for years now, haven’t I? You never tell me exactly how much time has passed since I’ve died, but I think it’s been years. I’m ready to be unplugged, to cease. Whatever happens after this, Keith, I’m ready.” He paused again. He couldn’t cry, he was a hologram, but he felt all the same like he might. “I love you, Keith. I will always love you. More than anyone or anything in the universe, in all the universes. Please let me go, Keith. Please.”

Keith was silently crying, the tears slipping down his cheeks.

He pulled the transferable hologram machine—it was just a little disc—onto his lap.

“There’s a kill switch. I can turn you off right now. But I can never bring you back. No one can,” Keith said.

Lance nodded. He placed a hand just over Keith’s. They weren’t touching, but it looked like they were.

Keith’s thumb hovered over the kill switch.

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you,” he said.

“You’ll figure it out,” Lance said. 

“You’re my world, how do I move on from that?”

“You’re a fighter. You’re a survivor. You’ll survive this. I want you to. I trust you will.”

With wet eyes Keith met Lance’s for the last time. “I love you, Lance.”

And, finally, Lance remembered falling asleep.


	8. Epilogue

The Lions had left earth and the paladins. They had traveled far—further than anyone knew. And they had found another universe, one with its own problems. And they had found new pilots, new paladins.

Lance’s consciousness still existed, thanks to the Red Lion. He was more distant, more an idea than anything else, now. But he was stronger than Alfor, who he still felt on occasion in the Red Lion’s astral plane.

The new paladin was an alien girl. She was a spitfire, but competent. She reminded him of Keith.

He couldn’t much interact with her, but he didn’t want to, except to offer her moral support.

He was at rest.

He could no longer really tell if time was passing. He didn’t feel the drag, and he didn’t feel the sadness that came with it.

There came a day when suddenly he felt another consciousness taking shape. It was fresher than Alfor, clearer. More emotional.

It made Lance wake, just a little, and investigate.

Now, he didn’t have a physical form, or much of an image to project, but on the astral plane he didn’t need one. He just was.

And this other spirt just was.

Keith “took shape”. He appeared. His consciousness rattled through the Red Lion like thunder. Like flame.

He was scared. Confused. Lance reached out, comforting.

_Lance?_ Keith said.

_Hi._ Lance said. He smiled.

_Lance? What’s going on? What—I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming. _Keith said. He sounded sad.

It hurt Lance, but he told him the truth. _You’re not dreaming. You’re dead._

_Dead?_

_I’m sorry. _Lance said.

Keith paused. His confusion was gone, but there was sorrow, Lance could tell. He had flashes, Keith’s memory, being shown to them both.

Keith was in a bed in a hospital room. He hadn’t been that old, maybe sixty. Their friends were gathered around him. Some unfamiliar faces, too. All of them were in different states of mourning—some ready to let go, others holding tightly.

And Keith, growing distant.

And thinking of Lance.

_Where are we? _Keith asked.

_The Red Lion. She’s brought us onto her astral plane. It’s nice here._

Keith paused again. More memories. A particular face, a young girl. She was in her twenties. Lance could feel that Keith’s greatest sorrow was wrapped up in her.

_My daughter_. Keith said. _I adopted her. I could never marry, I never had room in my heart again for that. But, I did what you said. I lived and I loved and I raised a wonderful girl._

_I’m sorry, Keith. You left too soon._

But that snapped something in Keith. 

_No, no. None of that. _Keith said. _I’m here. You’re here._

And something seemed to click for both of them. They were both here, both in the same space.

They may not have physical forms, but all the same, they were able to wrap each other up in their consciousnesses. Lance felt himself bleeding into Keith and Keith bleeding into him. Distinct. Together. Like sex, a little, without the fluids. 

In a lot of ways, it felt like Lance was waking up, but for real.


End file.
